erant -- stream-of-ecstasy
9/6/01
8:45 pm
The first time I did ecstasy was a disaster 4 hours of nothing except extreme frustration compounded by teen hormones and october sweat or was it november I remember it was cold at night the next am at the nile and how did I get to the nile anyways was it aaron I don’t actually think it was but maybe or possibly sara though I thought I just went with her that one time with dave I did not make a particularly good impression that time I know. anyways, teen-age longing I had such a lust for jay then and now in retrospect I like that word a lot retrospect I have trouble sometimes even remembering why I liked him in the first place Scooby remembers things like that for me because he told you stories he says because he took the time to get to know you as a person but alexandria did that too didn’t she or maybe not maybe that’s why things were always so fucked up between us anyways because we just sort of fell madly in love or thought we did without ever stopping to consider each if we actually knew the other or just thought that we did.
anyways, yes the ecstasy why did I buy it it was from some guy that jay knew at least I think he did but I had the money corrine was there I think she and I really stopped hanging out after aaron it just seemed like such a weird time and also I lost a lot of faith in her judgment from how she reacted to him plus also then scooby and I moved out and the house-warming party where we segregated at becky’s and corrine and jay had sex at our house while we slept was it in the bathroom or was it at our pv apartment that they fucked on the bathroom sink maybe both I’ve lost track perhaps it wasn’t that important after all.
yes, the ecstasy…already described the pills in my journals lumps of beigish powder that reminded me in color of all those children’s tylenol I used to chew up six at a time cause I was too afraid of swallowing anything whole to take the adult pills but even then I got the moist miserable headaches. lumps of powder and maybe that’s why they didn’t affect me for so long cause I didn’t think that they would cause they looked so innocuous to me not innocent but…they were really these gritty brown speckled lumps about the size of a frozen pea and they looked like someone had just taken a pinch of wet powder and squeezed it together and let it dry that way no real shape or imprint or anything at all total bathtub shit in the days before sammy the bull and 20/20 ecstasy exposes.
the e the e the e…and we called it e then or ecstasy not x like kids do now back in my day and all but I remember it truly did confuse me the first time I heard someone refer to it as x and why is it always so important that people not mistake me for younger than I am anyways?
the drugs...i still have that book I was reading at the time….what car were we driving that night it feels vaguely important somehow that I remember it would have been scooby driving of course none of the rest of us had licenses then or anything. prospero his first car had already died, he only had ruby for about a week or so and didn’t have the trashy red car yet…must have been his dad’s van, I think, though I guess it could have been the truck. No, no I don’t I think that yes it must have been the minivan and we drove back to jay’s house tip-toeing in and I was wearing those high-heeled black boots, pointy-toed gothic fake suede I was vegetarian then and still trying vainly to repress my leather fetish and they made my arches hurt after a while sometime the ones in the shoes were so high and I was so used to wearing those shapeless sears flats all day god those were horrible shoes and the boots had a bit of black embroidery at the ankles.
I was trying to set my feet really carefully on the tile floor so as not to wake up jay’s mom or grandma but I remember the heels still clicked kind of loudly anyways cause I wasn’t terribly used to them and really my main objective was not to slip and fall and I seem to think I remember his mom coming out into the hall anyways after we scampered to his room maybe they spoke out there for a minute and she said something disapproving and told him to keep it down and I would inevitably have had to get up and use the bathroom and now I remember we took the pills with root-beer cause that was all the soda they had and the water there always tasted sort of funny it came the refrigerator tap cause they seemed to feel that there was something sort of barbaric about drinking it in a glass straight from the sink but the fridge water always tasted like freezerburn though that might have had something to do with the glasses they were huge blue glasses with a faint scum of dishwasher soap left on them and it made nearly everything taste a little odd but at least with soda the soap taste was covered up a little bit.
we swallowed it with root-beer….there must have been music playing through the room when I lay on the bed for all those hours full of joni mitchell….i remember scooby holding a lit cigarette to my mouth jay is the only person I’ve ever known who lived with his parents and smoked in his bedroom I guess it represented a kind of defeat on everyone’s part I still remember how after we were semi-officially together and I was spending the night there all the time his mom asking if I wanted to keep a comb or toothbrush in the bathroom or something and I never have been entirely sure whether she was being sarcastic or not but I was really embarrassed and it made me feel like a slut or something. but that was not for a year or so after this night, though maybe none of it would have happened at all if nor for the e….
but so scooby tried to hold a cigarette to my mouth and get me to smoke it but I could only manage one drag it was just too much effort and I could barely hold my head up anyways I was so fucked up.
and later I think someone tried to get me to drink from a glass of water maybe that was scooby again or possibly jay I have the instinctual feeling that it wasn’t corrine and actually maybe that was the night that finally killed any chance of friendship between us cause I got to stay there with jay in his room on his bed and she had to go home and maybe she thought I tried to make it come out that way on purpose cause I think she was just starting to pursue him then but maybe I am just ascribing negative feelings to her now in any event I will never know for sure.
I didn’t stay on purpose, I didn’t even know that she and scooby had left till about three hours after they’d already gone, and I asked jay where they were and he said they left and didn’t know what to do with me so left me there with him and part of me wonders why the fuck scooby left me there like that but what else could he have done cause we couldn’t have all stayed and corrine had to get home and he also had to get the car back before his family was all up and he couldn’t have taken me back to his house and I guess I should be glad that they didn’t just try to take me back and drop me at the dorm like happened with that one dj guy who died od’ing in a pma fever in a small room by himself and god what kind of hell that must be I think one of the things I am most frightened of is dying by myself especially like that so perhaps it was all for the best that they left me there with jay, and certainly it was nice for him to take care of me and let me stay like that I know I wouldn’t really have wanted someone like me there in the way like that when I was trying to come down from a trip like that. and I’m listening to no woman no cry bob marley the song that jay played for me after we were together late one night and he sat on the edge of the bed and I woke up abruptly to hear it playing and for some reason I thought he might be close to crying, and he told me that the song always made him think of corrine and then I was the one near tears cause I really did love him the and how could I compete with something like that I was always so uncertain of myself and it’s strange at the time I was horribly sensitive to any critical comments jay made comparing me to corrine like saying I was going to get fat and stuff but it never actually bothered him in her so why should I have been so upset by it maybe I was afraid that if I wasn’t careful he was going to leave me if I wasn’t good improved enough and of course that is exactly what happened though it turned out to be a good thing for me that it did I am so a million gabillion times glad I am with shane instead of someone like jay…I think I need to take a break from this for now and go pee again and watch the simpsons this is getting to be a bit much and anyways my back is doing its evil computer chair thing again. I’ll take a Xanax maybe….
8:45 pm
The first time I did ecstasy was a disaster 4 hours of nothing except extreme frustration compounded by teen hormones and october sweat or was it november I remember it was cold at night the next am at the nile and how did I get to the nile anyways was it aaron I don’t actually think it was but maybe or possibly sara though I thought I just went with her that one time with dave I did not make a particularly good impression that time I know. anyways, teen-age longing I had such a lust for jay then and now in retrospect I like that word a lot retrospect I have trouble sometimes even remembering why I liked him in the first place Scooby remembers things like that for me because he told you stories he says because he took the time to get to know you as a person but alexandria did that too didn’t she or maybe not maybe that’s why things were always so fucked up between us anyways because we just sort of fell madly in love or thought we did without ever stopping to consider each if we actually knew the other or just thought that we did.
anyways, yes the ecstasy why did I buy it it was from some guy that jay knew at least I think he did but I had the money corrine was there I think she and I really stopped hanging out after aaron it just seemed like such a weird time and also I lost a lot of faith in her judgment from how she reacted to him plus also then scooby and I moved out and the house-warming party where we segregated at becky’s and corrine and jay had sex at our house while we slept was it in the bathroom or was it at our pv apartment that they fucked on the bathroom sink maybe both I’ve lost track perhaps it wasn’t that important after all.
yes, the ecstasy…already described the pills in my journals lumps of beigish powder that reminded me in color of all those children’s tylenol I used to chew up six at a time cause I was too afraid of swallowing anything whole to take the adult pills but even then I got the moist miserable headaches. lumps of powder and maybe that’s why they didn’t affect me for so long cause I didn’t think that they would cause they looked so innocuous to me not innocent but…they were really these gritty brown speckled lumps about the size of a frozen pea and they looked like someone had just taken a pinch of wet powder and squeezed it together and let it dry that way no real shape or imprint or anything at all total bathtub shit in the days before sammy the bull and 20/20 ecstasy exposes.
the e the e the e…and we called it e then or ecstasy not x like kids do now back in my day and all but I remember it truly did confuse me the first time I heard someone refer to it as x and why is it always so important that people not mistake me for younger than I am anyways?
the drugs...i still have that book I was reading at the time….what car were we driving that night it feels vaguely important somehow that I remember it would have been scooby driving of course none of the rest of us had licenses then or anything. prospero his first car had already died, he only had ruby for about a week or so and didn’t have the trashy red car yet…must have been his dad’s van, I think, though I guess it could have been the truck. No, no I don’t I think that yes it must have been the minivan and we drove back to jay’s house tip-toeing in and I was wearing those high-heeled black boots, pointy-toed gothic fake suede I was vegetarian then and still trying vainly to repress my leather fetish and they made my arches hurt after a while sometime the ones in the shoes were so high and I was so used to wearing those shapeless sears flats all day god those were horrible shoes and the boots had a bit of black embroidery at the ankles.
I was trying to set my feet really carefully on the tile floor so as not to wake up jay’s mom or grandma but I remember the heels still clicked kind of loudly anyways cause I wasn’t terribly used to them and really my main objective was not to slip and fall and I seem to think I remember his mom coming out into the hall anyways after we scampered to his room maybe they spoke out there for a minute and she said something disapproving and told him to keep it down and I would inevitably have had to get up and use the bathroom and now I remember we took the pills with root-beer cause that was all the soda they had and the water there always tasted sort of funny it came the refrigerator tap cause they seemed to feel that there was something sort of barbaric about drinking it in a glass straight from the sink but the fridge water always tasted like freezerburn though that might have had something to do with the glasses they were huge blue glasses with a faint scum of dishwasher soap left on them and it made nearly everything taste a little odd but at least with soda the soap taste was covered up a little bit.
we swallowed it with root-beer….there must have been music playing through the room when I lay on the bed for all those hours full of joni mitchell….i remember scooby holding a lit cigarette to my mouth jay is the only person I’ve ever known who lived with his parents and smoked in his bedroom I guess it represented a kind of defeat on everyone’s part I still remember how after we were semi-officially together and I was spending the night there all the time his mom asking if I wanted to keep a comb or toothbrush in the bathroom or something and I never have been entirely sure whether she was being sarcastic or not but I was really embarrassed and it made me feel like a slut or something. but that was not for a year or so after this night, though maybe none of it would have happened at all if nor for the e….
but so scooby tried to hold a cigarette to my mouth and get me to smoke it but I could only manage one drag it was just too much effort and I could barely hold my head up anyways I was so fucked up.
and later I think someone tried to get me to drink from a glass of water maybe that was scooby again or possibly jay I have the instinctual feeling that it wasn’t corrine and actually maybe that was the night that finally killed any chance of friendship between us cause I got to stay there with jay in his room on his bed and she had to go home and maybe she thought I tried to make it come out that way on purpose cause I think she was just starting to pursue him then but maybe I am just ascribing negative feelings to her now in any event I will never know for sure.
I didn’t stay on purpose, I didn’t even know that she and scooby had left till about three hours after they’d already gone, and I asked jay where they were and he said they left and didn’t know what to do with me so left me there with him and part of me wonders why the fuck scooby left me there like that but what else could he have done cause we couldn’t have all stayed and corrine had to get home and he also had to get the car back before his family was all up and he couldn’t have taken me back to his house and I guess I should be glad that they didn’t just try to take me back and drop me at the dorm like happened with that one dj guy who died od’ing in a pma fever in a small room by himself and god what kind of hell that must be I think one of the things I am most frightened of is dying by myself especially like that so perhaps it was all for the best that they left me there with jay, and certainly it was nice for him to take care of me and let me stay like that I know I wouldn’t really have wanted someone like me there in the way like that when I was trying to come down from a trip like that. and I’m listening to no woman no cry bob marley the song that jay played for me after we were together late one night and he sat on the edge of the bed and I woke up abruptly to hear it playing and for some reason I thought he might be close to crying, and he told me that the song always made him think of corrine and then I was the one near tears cause I really did love him the and how could I compete with something like that I was always so uncertain of myself and it’s strange at the time I was horribly sensitive to any critical comments jay made comparing me to corrine like saying I was going to get fat and stuff but it never actually bothered him in her so why should I have been so upset by it maybe I was afraid that if I wasn’t careful he was going to leave me if I wasn’t good improved enough and of course that is exactly what happened though it turned out to be a good thing for me that it did I am so a million gabillion times glad I am with shane instead of someone like jay…I think I need to take a break from this for now and go pee again and watch the simpsons this is getting to be a bit much and anyways my back is doing its evil computer chair thing again. I’ll take a Xanax maybe….
posted by Octavia at 10:00 AM
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